The Sideshow

In response to bananza’s “heartwarming” story. This is another classic.

Dear Kind Stranger:

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t.

She is crying. Don’t cry, Mommy!

Mommy is always sad, but she says it’s not my fault. I asked her if it was God’s fault, but she didn’t answer, and only started crying harder, so I don’t ask her that anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I’m so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn’t work because she said employers don’t hire crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she’s allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you forward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don’t forward this e-mail, that’s OK. Mommy says you’re a mean heartless s***head who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in h*ll. What kind of godd***ed person are you that you can’t take five f***ing minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it’s hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You.
Billy ‘Smiles’ Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.

joeschmitt:

kathyunderscorel:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40.  If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Do you have any remedies you’d like to share?

Don’t forget

8. Keep a snake in the house so you have something to scare your wife with when she gets hiccups. Works every time.

Though, I’m not a huge Slipknot fan, this is a great writeup. It could cover almost any metal band that you’re a fan of. I’ve never been sure why some people can’t just like what they like and let you like what you like. Just because I don’t listen to a band doesn’t mean they suck and my favorite band is the best in the world. I enjoy what I enjoy. Respect that and I will respect your tastes. Can’t we all just get along?

Amen.

stick-stones-techno:

90% of the people posting on this site are fucking stupid. Half of you are narrow minded haters who don’t see the band for who they are and the other half are just pussy little fanboys who think Slipknot is the ONLY metal band in existance. The rest are normal people who love music altogether and respect all forms of metal wether it be death, black, nu or heavy.

I’ve got news for the 90% of the fools in here. To the haters: You’re no different from rappers and RnBers (whatever the fuck theyre called) who bash Slipknot for their music. You’re basically posers. Just because you listen to bands that aren’t ‘mainstream’ doesn’t mean they’re the best bands on the fucking planet. It was never Slipknot’s intention to become famous and/or rich. People enjoyed their music and assisted them in their progress. Corey Taylor (vocalist) stated in an interview ‘You don’t sell out concerts, meet millions of fans and go platinum if your music sucks. Period.” Therefore SLIPKNOT DOES NOT SUCK! And you can’t say they are mainstream…think of it this way…how often do you hear a Slipknot song played on the radio? How often do you see a Slipknot clip being played on the Top 40 charts? Well? What’s your answer haters? Go fuck yourself and your underground bullshit. Just because a band is famous doesn’t mean they are shit. Imagine your precious underground bands become as famous as Slipknot..will you still like them? From your rants I’m guessing NO.

For the fanboys: Its good that you like Slipknot but for God’s sake…don’t EVER say they’re ‘real’ metal or ‘Slipknot is real metal. Every other band in existance is shit’. Open your ears and listen to the metal of the fucking world. You have to understand that Slipknot was influenced by bands such as KISS, Metallica, Black Sabbath and yes…even KORN!!! Joey Jordinson wouldn’t even be drumming right now if it wasn’t for Korn’s influence so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ENJOY ALL METAL!!! It’s the message in the songs fuckers. If you can relate to the lyrics and the intensity of the music then you have nothing to bitch about.

To the rest of people like me who are normal and love all metal and Slipknot…stay (SIC) fuckers. (Thats a compliment btw) Slipknot are fucking amazing. I respect them for their intensity, intimacy with the fans and love for music. No one has the right to say they are crap for they really are a band to admire and respect for their achievements.

LOVE,

MELLY-PIE (L)